Capitalism At 40,000 Feet

This week, the president signed into law what I believe is called the "Americans Go To Jail Forever Without Trial" Act. So now, if you are suspected of doing anything terror related, such as bombing a government building or accidentally going to the Al Qaeda website while searching for Al Qadim, you can legally be held in a secret prison forever with no trial. As I understand it. Anyway, to balance out this rape of American liberty, he also did a good thing. He used some weird loopholes to finally dodge congressional opposition and force-appoint a head of the new Consumer Protection Agency so that this agency can actually start working to, well, protect consumers. So, like anything that actually benefits the public, this met with a dumpload of opposition from Senate Republicans, both on the grounds that it circumvents the sacred institution of filibustering every item of government business to death, and that the appointment makes the role of government too powerful because it might tell businesses to stop ripping people off.

The detractors have the notion that ever telling businesses they can't do a thing (ie regulations) is an affront to freedom (unlike real affronts to freedom like indefinite detention without trial, because that keeps us safe from terrorists). That the government passing laws about what businesses can and can't do is somehow antithetical to the very notion of what America should be. Well, let's look at a real life example of an industry that, in my mind, gets away with murder as far as misleading consumers is concerned. The problem is, people are so used to being bent over by this industry that we now take it as a matter of course.

A few months ago, a group of us all took a flight to Atlanta. Same exact flight, same exact section, and most of the seats were even right next to each other. My friend and his wife paid $205 each for round trip tickets, whereas I, having bought mine a week later, paid $350. Other people, having all bought tickets at different times, each paid different prices. You see, airlines now use complicated computer algorithms to basically randomize their prices, making it nearly impossible for any two people to pay the same price for the same ticket. This is obviously bullshit, but people have become so accustomed to going online and hunting for hours on third party websites like Orbitz to be that 1 lucky winner who actually gets a fair price for a flight. That's not even to mention all the fees that pop up later that aren't listed in the flight price. When did it become cool with everybody to have to pay to actually take your stuff with you when you go somewhere? I'm supposed to pay extra for the "luxury" of not buying a wardrobe of new clothes every time I land in a different city? Thanks to cool new innovations like these checked bag fees, I got to watch as an old fat tattoo biker guy literally punched his luggage until it fit into the same compartment as my reasonably sized carry-on. That's one way to save $20; punch your crap into mine til everything's broken. Still, its not even his fault, really. Its theirs.

I don't know, maybe its something about the majesty (or necessity) of air travel that makes people tolerate this garbage. I guess the vast majority of people don't fly every day, so they might just expect to be put through the ringer once a year for vacation or something. But let's make a comparison. Let's say you meet me for lunch at my favorite upscale restaurant, McDonalds. When you get there, I've already ordered and sat down, because I'm a rude asshole. You walk up to the counter and get the same thing I did: #1, supersized, with a Diet Coke (cause we're on diets). You join me at the table and say:

"Hey jerk. Thanks for waiting."

"I'm sorry man/dude/cuz/bro/lady-bro, I was STARVING. This was the best $2.05 I ever spent. It's gonna be soooo good *nom nom nom*."

"Wait, what? You paid $2.05 for a #1, supersized, with a Diet Coke cause we're on diets? They just charged me $3.50! They must have fucked up. I'll go talk to the lady."

"Don't bother homes/busta/dudet/she-homes, its too late now. You should have gone on Burgetz.com, like I did, to find the best time to order a #1. They get way more expensive the closer it gets to dinnertime, or lunch time, or holidays. I ordered mine at 3:22 AM last Tuesday."

"That makes no fucking sense! Its the same exact thing!"

"Oh, well, I also saved fifty cents cause I had two connecting orders."

"Wait, what?"

"Yea, I had to pick up the fries in Westmont, then there was a 15 minute layover in Cherry Hill while they changed the syrup tanks on the Diet Coke. No way I'm drinking regular Coke, I'm on a diet. Then I got the Big Mac here."

"Wow, that's a lot of effort just to save a marginal percentage of the price, but I still feel like I just got slapped in the balls/hooters by the company. Oh, hold on, I forgot ketchup."

"Oh yea, I also signed up for my 17th credit card when I got here, so they waived my ketchup fee! I'm the smartest!"

"But ketchup is free! How can they charge extra for something that almost every single person in the restaurant needs!?"

"Ketchup was free..."

Using the above example, we can see how fucking ridiculous it is for two people getting EXACTLY the same thing at EXACTLY the same place to have an absurd differential in the price they paid. "But Lou," you may say, "You can't compare airline tickets to fast food! They're completely different industries, with different expenses and concerns!"

First of all, I can compare anything I want, so go screw yourself. Both restaurants and airlines have costs of doing business that need to be factored into any business model, but I bet you'd be furious if every meal you ordered could potentially vary by 100% of the price depending on what day you ordered it and on how many places you were willing to go to in order to get it. Yet, this is exactly how airlines treat their customers every day. The "free market" has done nothing to curb this abuse, because random price fluctuations are such a great idea that every airline does it! Just you try to shop around, sucker!

But God forbid we try to regulate this fucking nonsense, because that would mean that Government is too big, and we don't want to infringe on corporations' rights to ram us on a bed of spikes by being as deceitful as humanly possible about the real price of their products. There are actually some regulations being passed this year regarding some of these issues, but of course they are being fought in court tooth and nail by the airlines as an attack against their "right to free speech". Come on! How can any sane person who has been hit with secret fees, bogus prices, or having their bag punched into an overhead compartment realistically say that it wouldn't be a good thing to have the government step in and make them tell the truth for once?

And keep in mind, if it wasn't for government regulations, there wouldn't be a weekend.